| Oddly enough, I was pestered by someone to write a Xanga entry. She could have just continued speaking to me online, like having a conversation, yet she insisted that I communicate via my Xanga. I have a lot to say.
Where to begin? Harvard didn't want me, so they deferred. Rutgers did, and they full-rided. Hopefully my destiny is somewhere in between. I've finished all my college applications. 21 schools, 21 equal opportunities for success or failure. Essentially, April is the judgement of my three and a half years of academic endeavors. If I make it to a college, it will have made the years of no sleep, laboratory research, and generally being a social ascetic all worth it to me.
So far Senior Year is a lot of fun. Driving is excellent. Independence, or at least its illusion, is great. I've fallen in with some new friends, fallen out with some old ones, but it's all just continuity anyway, so one person sort of blends into the next. This is the first year I've taken all of my courses with people from my grade. I realize now that I've missed out on knowing a lot of great people in my previous three years, so I'm trying my best to get to know them in the half-year we have left. On the flip side, after we graduate whether I've known them or not will be a moot point, so it's ok if I fail.
Ultimate in the fall was a great experience, not so much for the games (or lack thereof) but more of being a senior, being able to teach and be taught (READ: School and be schooled by) the new guys, discuss new strategies with the captains, and just feel so much more confident about my skill (or again, lack thereof). Those who graduated last year definitely had their presence missed, and I was one of the first people to get frustrated with their absence. However, everyone knows I believe in tough love, and my screaming, ranting, cursing, and weeping were all for the betterment of the team.
I tried out for and made fencing, all on a whim to indulge a friend. Again, an incredibly fun sport that I feel keeps me sharp. My fencing is abysmal, but I got C-Strip position for foil, where I remain as basically a bump in the road to opponents who are seeking bigger and better challenges. Our team is excellent though, and we're looking forward to a pace-setting season for next year and beyond.
The rest of my time is divided amongst other clubs, tutoring, eating, sleeping, and being inside my house.
As I'm writing this, I realize I've skipped out on being with my friends more than was necessary. Granted, most of the events have been dramatic irony, like being "randomly" paired in health class for the marriage project with the one girl I'll probably never talk to again. Being branded as anti-social is nothing new to me, but it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I feel that, more and more this year, I'm pushing everyone away so that I don't need to be bothered by anything. I'm rude, sarcastic, downright mean even when there's no cause. At first it was just an act that I did, but I'm thinking more and more that that's what I'm becoming: an asshole, essentially. I've already come to the conclusion that no one is able to sort out my problems by listening to them, therefore I don't talk to anyone about them. The friends that I've split with, I don't even look at anymore. The friends that I've kept, around them I'm arrogant, condescending, combative, or just distant. So, to them, I apologize. In the end though, we're graduating in a couple months, so what does it matter.
Meh. I'll just change myself again, right?
I've always prided myself on keeping an open mind. Yet I find more and more that my mind is closed to opposing arguments. I've always thought that adults were stupid because they developed one viewpoint and maintained it their whole lives. What I'm realizing now is that these adults don't realize they're one-dimensional because to them, their dimension is the truth. I've always said, remember how to think, because once you stop thinking there's no reason to exist. A closed mind is the first step to a loss of thinking. Today, I thought that one of my good friends, a kid I've known for four years through frisbee, asian club, etc... would be great if he wasn't a conservative. That kind of thought (which I immediately rejected, mind you) is the first step towards bigotry. In the end, what do political ideologies mean? All there is to a person is who they are, what they've done, and what they believe in. And for me, it's safe to say there's precious little I believe in.
But, what the hell, we're just kids right?
As I finish this entry, I realize I've done it again. By being arrogant enough to assume that only I've realized these "earth-shattering" revelations, I've been condescending to everyone who's read this post. Basically, I've reasoned out that the smartest person only answers when spoken to.
Any extra talking is just background noise.
And so, after all this attempted philosophical bullshit, apologies, whining, etc... I'll say that, one thing that I have changed about myself, is that I'm trying harder to be me. I've known for a long time that from an objective point of view, all someone is is what other people think of him/her. So, I've always tried to cultivate my image for others. But then, what does it matter? In the end, it doesn't matter who thought you were right or wrong, it's just what you knew you were.
Basically, what do you get when you cross a goat with chocolate?
A Hershey Baaaaaa.
Hello 2005. |
. Regardless, this new music (as long as the dude's bandwith isn't exceeded) is what I picked for our jazz band to play this year. Good luck, I guess, because half of the notes are out of all of our ranges, but we'll give it a shot. It's Tank! by the Seatbelts. Some hot stuff...
